Sink on, bacon frying, radio tuned to static on a rainy day.
Hepatitis C — Is that the feces one or the intravenus one?
The Parallel Universe Film Guide reminds me of the boyf’s idea to secure his own IMDb page. He has no connection to the industry but that shouldn’t stop him from having his own page, right?
Upon browsing the PUFG, I can’t help but wish we’d thought of it sooner. We’ve had ideas like that! Half of our jokes begin with the premise, “Wouldn’t it be funny if ____?”
Though, to be fair, I can barely be roused to maintain this blog. Simply transcribing things said not four hours ago is often too much effort. And if it’s not too much effort it’s my poor memory. I’ve taken to keeping scraps of paper on my person so that I can record the hilarity. Which is in itself kind of funny.
Things my boyf has compared asking me out to:
- a bear attack
- the Allied bombing of Dresden
When I questioned him about the latter he said it was a compliment because it was a success.
The SRS light came on in my car and my first thought was “Oh my god, it’s serious!”
This comic I just found goes along nicely with our theory of the Sleep Self. The Sleep Self manifests as that voice that tells you, “It’s okay, just hit the snooze again.”
And when you think, “Wait, I already hit the snooze?”
Your Sleep Self says, “Nah man, you just dreamed that.” And then you’re late for work.
It’s not that Sleep Self is actively bad or destructive, it’s goals are pretty simple actually. At all costs, and using whatever means available, your Sleep Self will try to get you to go to sleep, not wake up or go back to sleep.
Particularly insidious on winter mornings, summer afternoons and just after large meals.
“You know what my favorite Austin Powers movie is?”
Says the boyf, “What am I to do with these idle hands?”
You know those really hip Rhapsody commercials that make you forget that you can not-own the music you pay for? Well, the boyf’s father saw one and grasped the crux of the DRM problem faster than the CEOs of Rhapsody, Napster and Yahoo! combined.
It seems the father couldn’t understand why you couldn’t just have the music you stream from these retailers.
“Isn’t there some way to just record it?”
“Like recording a song from the radio?”
Yes.
After a really confusing technical conversation with his computer illiterate father, the boyf came to me and we devised the ultimate low-tech Rhapsody hack.
So, step one: Stream the music from Rhapsody on your computer. Make sure you turn up the speakers connected to your computer.
Step two: Insert a cassette in your boombox (you still have one right?), hold it up to the speakers and press record. Make sure to get those long playing 90 minute tapes so you can get your money’s worth. Who cares if it degrades the quality? If you’re actually doing this you won’t even be able to tell the difference.
Better yet, don’t even buy new tapes. Dig out those old tapes from under your bed that you used to record your favorite songs from the radio. You know, the ones that begin with the end of a commercial and end with the DJ yammering over the last 20 seconds.
Step three: Connect your tapedeck’s headphone jack to your computer’s audio-in.
Step four: Using an audio editor, record the music back onto your computer as you play the cassette.
And you’re done! Totally worth it huh?
The next day we found this online, making the whole process even faster. That is, it would be faster if anyone we knew even bothered with renting music.
People need to get more creative with their street theatre/performance art than these assholes.
If you really want to have fun at other people’s expense you should go through the entire process of becoming a police officer. This involves tests and background checks and other stuff I haven’t bothered to research I’m sure. Once you get to the interview stage though, you can begin to really “explore social boundaries.”
Arrive at the testing center in a stretch limo, let the chauffeur open the car door and the door to the building. Wear a black turtleneck and sport coat and shave off all visible body hair. Act like yourself for now because you’ll probably be dealing with people that have already met you, you want to ensure they still trust you enough to sit in a small room alone with you for several hours.
About halfway through the interview start dropping hints that you’re a super villain. Refer to your home as a lair or fortress and let them decide if you’re joking. Towards the end you can reveal that the hiring process has just been part of an elaborate scheme to wrest power from a government or extort a fortune from a secret society. Don’t forget to bring a monocle because you’ll probably need it to give yourself an evil genius air as you scan documents for the places where your initials are required.
The boyf says to me, “I’m insufficiently prepared for spontaneous time travel.”
Being the result of a conversation about how we know nothing about how anything works in the modern world and would be unable to replicate mod cons in a wizardly display of power and somehow translate this into monetary gain if we were transported back in time.
Which was itself a result of a conversation about a short story by Poul Anderson called “The Man Who Came Early” and The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.
That’s the kind of thing we’re concerned with, not experiencing new cultures, gaining first-hand knowledge of history–no, we’re mainly interested in how time travel would enrich our own lives.
Here’s what true Survivalists think of this attitude:
…As I have said in other articles, A Lot of the Lunatic fringe just can’t make it in society and want The Stuff To Hit The Fan because they think that by having a few supplies, and some guns, they can be “Important” or “a Leader” or “People will quit making fun of them (maybe even do some bowing and scraping)” if Society will just hurry up and collapse… Folks, That’s Lunacy!! If you have to hope for the system to be torn down to below your level before you feel good about yourself.. you need a little professional help.. And (again, As I have said for Years) “Powerful people are powerful by nature”.. if you put them in a disaster, or on a desert Island with 20 people, they will Still gain power… they will gain power in Any environment… it’s simply in their nature… the setting is incidental, whether we consider these people good or bad.
-Warlord
We theorized that the flashing lights of police cars must lure passing drivers into a psychedelic dream. A southwestern landscape of coyotes with rictus grins wearing bandanas ’round their necks and the sky heaving red and blue.
This is the only thing that can possibly explain why they slow to a crawl whenever cops pull someone over. Because the alternative is that they’re jackasses.
Get tattoo of cancerous mole
Inspired by The Whitney HousTones and this album cover:
We imagined the figure on the cover as a super villain, or hero, it doesn’t matter and you’ll see why. His name would be Dr. Prism and rainbows would shoot out of his mouth.
In the movie version the following discussion takes place between three soldiers during that early part of the movie where the government tries and fails to use the military to contain him:
“Is he dangerous?”
“No, it’s just refracted light.”
“It’s like Dark Side of the Moon.”
Silence of the Lambs: The Cockney Musical!
Including lots of “Gov’nuh’s” and dropped “h’s”
We’ve gotten as far as:
‘Ello Clarice.
We’re undecided as to whether or not Anthony Hopkins should dress like a costermonger Pearly King:
Have you seen those commercials for medication that supresses outbreaks of herpes?
Don’t lie. Admitting you’ve seen the commercials doesn’t mean admitting you have herpes.
Anyways, they quoted (or made up) a statistic that 1 in 5 adults have herpes. That’s 20% of the adult population with scabby leaking sores. I was going to link to some pictures but I got too grossed out.
The point is, these people probably need help! When would you tell a prospective sexual partner? Is it the second thing out of your mouth–just after “Hello”? Or should it be the answer to “What’s that”?
Back to the point, these people, and other people with contagious diseases must have a hard time getting laid and at the very least need help getting a date. If my boyfriend and I cared more we’d set up a whole dating service for sick people: terminal, contagious, acute and that other kind of sick people that get off on people that are terminal, contagious or acute.
Possible taglines:
Let’s Get Contagious!
Now You Can Transmit Love!
Have you lost that loving feeling (in your fingers due to leprosy)? Find other love-sick singles in your area now!
The boyf just found a new product for my ElderTech post. Check it.
The boyf says The Crystal Stilts sound as if:
Stephin Merritt were more depressed and went back in time and listened to a lot of Joy Division and then went further back in time and had Phil Spector produce this EP.
Approximately. Or in other words, fucking amazing.
